Lately I find myself filled to the brim with anxiety. I don’t breathe. I become judgmental. Feelings of unworthiness cave in all around me.
I have worked to feel worthy and to know my worth. I’m a better person now than I’ve ever been. Which I suppose is how it should go? Ideally anyways.
A few years ago I could have given you a list a mile long of what I needed to change about myself. I don’t have a list now. Not because I’ve “fixed” everything on it, but because settling into the human being I am, each and every day, is all my heart needed. That’s all the world needs from me.
Learning to allow myself to be enough (still struggle quite a bit) while growing and evolving into a better being. Letting go of controlling the growth, or which direction l evolved in, was a monumental skill for me to learn. Trusting in a higher power to guide me and catch me should I fall, to be there every step of the way, even when (especially when) I’ve gone astray. Which happens regularly 😜.
In the midst of this, I cling to unworthiness. I know I am worthy. I know everything that says I’m not is a lie. I KNOW this. Yet still, this feeling follows me around. Or rather l drag it along. Used as a shield. Something to hide behind. A distraction. It looks something like this…
There’s an uncomfortable feeling and it seems scary. Find a reason you ‘re not enough, it’ll give you something to work on. Now you feel unworthy. Better be short with those closest to you. Be a shame if others went on feeling good without you. No, that doesn’t feel good. Grace, Olivia. It’s okay. Love is bigger.
What is the source of your irritation? Right, you feel like you aren’t good enough… But look at all the ways you are. Look at how much you’ve grown. Look at all these people around you. Activate “replace unworthy thoughts with worthy ones”. Uh oh. Starting to feel that uncomfortable scary feeling again.
Call in reinforcements. Gather all your people and ask for validation. Receive validations. Overwhelming gratitude for everyone and everything. This life is so beautiful. l love it. Marching on. Why is this getting so heavy? I need help carrying all of this gratitude.
Last resort, project your need to feel worthy on innocent individuals. But there’s a catch… they don’t know you did this, you never receive validation.
Boom.
Stuck in unworthy.
Insanity, I know 😂.
Then life exhausts me. Intentionally. The universe has my back. It knows I’m hiding and building walls, so it comes another way… Wears me down so I can’t hold the walls up anymore. Suddenly, it all makes sense. All the turmoil that’s been in my heart the last few weeks or months… plain and simple: I miss John. 3 ½ years ago he walked this earth for the last time and although the aches have changed, they don’t hurt any less.
The pain of missing him is excruciating. The truth is, it is easier to feel unworthy than it is to feel this pain. So, I have worked tirelessly to distract myself from it. Layers on layers of distractions. I piled them on and I’ve slowly peeled them away. Now, now I’m down to the last one. The base layer: Unworthiness. It’s big. Complicated. But not impossible, because I know it’s a lie.
Fear tells me I need to have something to hold onto before I can let go. Faith tells me to let go, to free fall into the unknown… into freedom.
You see, I believe God meets us where we are. Whether that be in a church pew on Sunday morning OR in a dark space not wanting to take another breath. HE is there. He doesn’t falter. He doesn’t grow impatient. He doesn’t anger towards our stubbornness or plain ignorance. His love surrounds each and every one of us in the best and the worst of places. And even for those who don‘t believe, I believe He walks with them every step of their way. God’s love is grand. Much bigger than any of us can fathom collectively. In this knowing, my faith can stand stronger than my fear.
I don’t regret the process I’ve come through. Had I attempted to tackle the depth of my sadness head on, I surely would have broken. Now, I am arriving to a place where I can face the mountain of hurt. All in due time. A part of the journey of which gratitude abounds for every step. I needed the space to build up the courage. To gain the knowledge and tools necessary to keep the ache from swallowing me whole.
It is always working out for me (likewise for you)… This life. People surrounding me. Crossing my path to teach me things or allowing me to teach them. And through it all, love is there. Love is the root of every thought, of every action… Love is everywhere.
I love my life. I am full of gratitude for all that is. All the possibilities. But I miss John. I miss my person. I’d give anything to have him here living this life. Two truths, standing side by side.
I love my life. I miss John.
I don’t write of my pain to gain sympathy. I write because most of us have experienced losing someone close to us at some point or another. Whether it was 3 months or 30 years ago, it’s a part of who you are today… There is no timeline to be done with it. My hope is that you are able to choose faith more often than you choose fear, but know that choosing fear isn’t wrong. That you trust you are exactly where you are meant to be. That you can stand tall in your worth, because you are worthy. For all the anger or distractions that arise, remember grace. Lastly, I hope you feel the love that surrounds you, cause friends, it’s massive. 💛✌
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