Fueled by Love

Love fuels me.

If there is only one lesson I could take from this year, it would be this.

Getting to this has been a journey full of diving deep into the depths of my mind and soul… pulling out the destructive patterns – so ingrained I didn’t know they existed – and examining them repeatedly until there was nothing left to look at.

Imagine a wooden block… This is the pattern… firm in what it is… It gets wedged in a space it doesn’t fit into, keeping you from going through it. You find this block and upon further inspection you realize it has no home in your being. So you whittle it until there is nothing left. Until it can’t weigh you down anymore. The block is full of truths – some hard to believe. Some overwhelmingly beautiful. Truths hidden under the lies you learned to tell yourself.

It has been no easy task to learn about myself this deeply. Intense to say the least. This learning has allowed me to rise up from a dark space.

My belief in this space (among a plethora of others) was that the loss I experienced defined who I am now. Without it, I didn’t know who I would be. I was holding onto, carrying it everywhere I went. Afraid to let it go. To release it into the wind. A fear so insane… If I let the hurt go, I would lose the love along the way. If I lost the love, who would I be? It became too heavy. It was too heavy all along, but it was starting to consume me… Where what I feared – losing myself – was well on its way to come true.

I see this journey in vivid detail… The diving into the intricately webbed mind, finding, or rather letting the truths find me. And just when I think I will run out of air, I discover a way to rise. I do this again and again. Each time learning how to rise through the dark heavy days.  

I wish I could paint the picture that shows you the connections I have been able to make in the ways they were given to me.

Telling them to you today would not portray the beauty that occurred in learning them.

But the lesson that arrived in the midst of it all is:

Love came first.

I am not here today because of any loss. I’ve had it all backwards. I am here today because of love. Love made me who I am. Love built me up. I am me – this version right now – because I chose to love John, not because I lost John.

Let’s be honest, John is still very much around… I mean there was a snake in my room at 4 AM just yesterday 😜

Some decisions we make have a larger impact on the rest of our days… Choosing a person to love is one of those.

10 years ago today I chose to love John and allow myself to be loved by him. What a beautiful 10 years it has been. We were granted 7 of those to do life together. In the last 3 years I have learned of a love that transcends all time and space that moves between us. Not just John’s love, but OUR love. The love we built together.

See, when a person dies, the love doesn’t just dissipate. Love remains. Holding onto it is what makes the heart heavy. You have to give the love to something. I held on for fear of running out. That doesn’t happen either… When you let love flow out, love flows in. Boundless love.

All the goodness and energy that came of our love is still around. And while it has taken me a while to learn to loosen my grip on it, to quiet the fear and anxiety over it running out… Love stayed steady in its growth, patiently waiting for me to be ready.

Beyond our love, I have uncovered a deep well of love that resides as a calm place in my belly. A well I can draw from when I grow weary. Becoming aware of this is a gift I hope to hold in high gratitude

Our love was big in our time together. In our time apart, it has grown immensely in ways I don’t think I’ll ever understand.

As the 3 year anniversary approaches, I look to all the days I have done more than just survive. I can’t help but to be grateful for the love that has filled me up each day and helped me to rise into this being. I’ve learned so much about myself in the last few months especially, doing an incredible amount of processing. Pieces of the puzzle coming together for me to see and know. I sit in awe of my mind and the way this universe spins and keeps us up straight. Letting us find our center and take big chances on anything we like promising to catch us as it spins. Wow.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in a weird place since about the 28th of May… Wanting to run away and hide from responsibility and people that depend on me. I’ve had the feeling that I’m running out of time to live fully. I’ve been short with those closest to me. Remembered in vivid detail the first 10 days of June, 3 years ago… accompanied by intense feelings of despair and agony as my mind replays every last. And don’t even get me started on the indecisiveness that has taken over my mind…

But all of those weird, uncomfortable feelings are only there because of love.

Love came first.

If you need me, I’ll just be over here loving big and filling up on big love.

Olivia💛