Ohhh Valentine’s Day…
I’m not going to knock it. I just wanna talk about it. You know, since love is my favorite. And because, well, I’ve never cared about it. Valentine’s day I mean. It’s just another day. Growing up, my mom would get us all a small box of something. It was a small and fun treat. If we wanted to give others a Valentine, you bet it was homemade.
As we got older and had a little spending money, we decided the on sale chocolate the day after was more fun. So receiving Valentine’s phased out and it was fine because it was never a big deal. Love was always around. Occasionally, if the mood strikes, I’ll do Valentine’s for the kids in my life. John and I didn’t ever make any sort of deal about it either. In fact, I’m pretty sure we only spent 1, maybe 2, of the days together. But I promise you there were no chocolates, or roses, or teddy bears, or any gifts at all. I was/am seriously GOOD with that. We didn’t feel like letting the pressure of commercialism get to us on that specific day, would be a good thing for us. I’m sure deep down, we couldn’t help but act more loving on the day. We also didn’t look down on those who took the opportunity to have a more than special day. I mean, it looks fun! And while we shouldn’t need excuses to show appreciation and love to others, kudos to those who use it! The world can always use more LOVE.
This year, today, is different. I’m finding myself caring. It’s not that I want or need flowers, and chocolates, and poems. I don’t need a big deal made out of Valentine’s today. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. Even though it’s never been a big deal to me, I do feel like something is missing. Obviously, someone. My guaranteed extra special Valentine for the day is missing. Part of the ongoing security that made me feel like I didn’t need a special day for love, is gone. I’m gonna take a shot at being vulnerable and say this… it’s not the day I need, it’s the love.
The day just seems to be a trigger… And I’m looking at this day I don’t really care about and not needed in order to feel special in the past, where people go out and buy and do extravagant things for others. The pressure some must feel to outdo the previous year… The bitter hearts of those who judge others Valentine’s plans, questioning if they’re okay since they make a big deal of the day… The envy some must feel that they don’t have a romantic Valentine… The day is about love. The meaning behind all the actions or inactions is love. And I need it, y’all. We all NEED love. Try and tell me you don’t…
I was in the grocery store briefly yesterday, and there were at least 6 men buying flowers. You guys, I didn’t feel jealous. For the first time in the past 8 months, I didn’t envy others having people to love. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen people together, heard stories, seen pictures, and my first thought was to envy them and try to find something wrong, a reason for them to not make it. I am not proud of this. I have worked extremely hard to turn this around. To be genuinely happy for those who have that kind of love. It has not been easy. AT ALL.
Yesterday, in the store, I didn’t have to try. I saw the men buying these flowers and proudly proclaiming who they were for and all I could think was how wonderful it was to have an extra day in the year set aside for humans to make others feel special. I felt excited for the women who were going to have their day made by something so simple. And I took the opportunity to remember what it feels like to feel special through love. I love to see and hear about love. I love to love and be loved. I almost let the ugly side of grief take that away from me… I’ve been saying to love deeply through the bitterness and it’s been a crap ton of work, but it’s paying off. I can tell you that I need love and feel comfortable with it. The alternative might have been that I’d be saying love isn’t for me and my heart could have grown cold. With love, comes pain. It is inevitable. But you guys, it is so worth it. Loving, and being loved, is worth every ounce of pain that may come.
This Valentine’s day, I am learning the meaning of an eternal Valentine. I don’t have a guaranteed extra special Valentine HERE. I realize guaranteed isn’t the most romantic way to put it, but I think the romanticism is in the guarantee. An eternal Valentine is something else. Something far beyond what I know how to comprehend today. I can’t define it, yet. I can’t tell you how it will play out. I know it’s extraordinary. I feel quite overwhelmed that I have all this love to give and no one HERE to give it to. I won’t go buy things for myself, or others, to fill the space. I won’t wish bad for others. I will sit with the love I do have. I will ponder this idea of an eternal Valentine. I will try to wrap my mind around this fact. While there may not be one person I can give extra love to today, I do have many people to share love with on this day. In this, I am extremely blessed.
If you are finding yourself thinking otherwise, Valentine’s day is for ALL kinds of love. Take the excuse to spread more love today. Spouses, parents, siblings, children, friends, strangers, and anyone in between. Yourself included. Write a short note, do a small task, make a meal, speak compliments, lift someone up… Love yourself with kind thoughts, healthy food, exercise, and nourishing of your soul. Try not to let the world limit your love with pressures of commercialism and society. The world needs more love. WE need more love.
Olivia 🖤
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