Side note: The use of we, they, them, and us, are synonymous in this post. We are them and they are us.
I want to talk about something that will quite possibly make you uncomfortable. As I’ve said before, grief is messy. People with grief are messy. On the inside. Sometimes on the outside too. At least 50% of the time, we don’t know what we need. How could you possibly know what to say or do? Even if you’ve been there, everyone is different. There is no way to know, unless you ask. I know it’s hard.
Until this experience with grief, I was probably the worst supporter/friend if you had new grief (i’m still not great). I didn’t know what to say, and I really didn’t want to say the wrong thing, so I wouldn’t say anything at all. Nothing. Not even sorry for your loss. I think I also wanted to pour my heart into my friends when they were going through something difficult. But I was scared. Scared that I would be rejected. That they wouldn’t need me. Fear held me back. I was making it about me, when it wasn’t supposed to be.
The truth is, most of us need you, even if we think we don’t. We need you to ask and do, but only if your willing. If politeness is all you are going for, stick to the sorry for your losses and praying for you. I promise, even when we get angry that you are being polite (because we misinterpret a lot and think it’s just pity), we take them in and they mean the world to us. It is a lonely road, and when you offer your support, in whatever way you can, it helps us feel a little less alone.
To those who want to help, please do. Don’t hold back. Pour endlessly. We need it. I promise.
To all who grieve, let them help.
I’m going to try and bring some light to how you can help. Please know there is no handbook and there won’t ever be. These are my thoughts and my ideas. It’s possible that this will be of help to no one. But how will I know if I don’t at least TRY?
“How are you?” — Yes, ask it. Be prepared and willing to listen to the truth. If the answer is one word, be it good, great, or fine, ask again. We think you want to hear that we are good, and we don’t want to make you uncomfortable any more than you want to make us uncomfortable. And since you are more likely to be in your right mind, I ask you to open the door and create the space for those that need it. If the answer is “Fine” twice, we probably, really, don’t want to talk about it. Respect that. We do appreciate you asking though.
If you aren’t ready or willing to hear the truth, that’s perfectly OK. Truly. Try asking another, less open ended, question. Questions like:
“What are you up to today?”
“How was your day?”
Think of something the person enjoys or you know they do on a regular basis and ask about it.
“Let me know if you need anything” — The thought is a GREAT one. Yes, we need help, but like I said a few minutes ago, we don’t know what we need. So asking us to tell you what we need, probably not going to happen. For me, the first thought upon reading/hearing these words was “You can’t give me what I need. I need my person. Nothing else matters.” Simple, everyday things are a good place to start, but really there is no limit. Only offer what you are willing to do. Try saying “Will you let me do _____ for you?” If your load is full, and it’s going to stress you to help, don’t offer. It’s okay. We understand that life doesn’t stop.
A few things to offer…
Meals – Whether we are the type to eat much or not, when we do find an appetite, we don’t want to cook.
Feeding/keeping/walking animals – Even if we are home, having small daily tasks like this done for them for a couple weeks can help wonders.
Cleaning house – All the energy is used in getting out of bed and getting dressed, working, taking care of our people, etc. Cleaning house is the last thing we want to think about.
Rides – kids to school, people to work, appointments, etc.
Laundry!
These are good things to offer if you truly want to help but you don’t want to get fully emotionally involved in the situation. Some people need the daily tasks to help get them through the day. Offer twice, then let it (specific thing) go.
For those of you willing to get more emotionally involved…
Give us your time. Grief is lonely. We know we aren’t alone, but it feels like it. Remind us often that we aren’t.
Invite yourself over, but give us an out so we don’t feel bad for declining. If we decline, ask again at a later date. If we keep declining, keep asking. Once every few weeks is fine. Some like to have space, but sooner or later, we will need people around. Often, by the time we realize we need people, the people have gone back to their normal everyday lives. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS. Just the way it happens sometimes.
Invite us to do things. To dinner, to a movie, to go for a walk/run/hike, on a day trip, hunting, shopping, a concert, a festival, to a gun range, something you know we enjoy. Again, giving us an out is important. We will more than likely decline at least once, and I know this hurts your ego to be rejected, but please keep asking. Even if someone doesn’t have new grief, it doesn’t hurt anything to invite. Don’t decide for them. 6-9-12 months out, keep inviting.
Those with grief — accept the invitation. Do the hard thing. It usually helps.
Offer to listen. In person, through text, on the phone. We need to talk. We need to tell stories. We need to say something a hundred times until it sinks in or sometimes we just want to make sure everyone knows. There is no telling when a person will be ready or want to talk. And they will most likely need it more than once. My best advice, say “I’m here anytime you need or want to talk”, then follow up. Remind us. Yes, we heard you, but just because you said that 2 months ago, doesn’t mean you still feel the same way. We don’t want to bother you. You don’t want to bother us. You are still more than likely, thinking a little clearer than us.
Listening (you probably want to refrain from telling us what we should do, even if you’ve been there) is an extreme emotional investment. It’s not for everyone. That’s FINE! We typically don’t hold hard feelings against those who don’t offer, we’ve probably been the one not offering before.
Ask us questions. Please, please, please, do ask questions about the person we lost. This may be the BEST single thing you can do. Ask if we’re sleeping. If we’re eating. If we’re exercising. Ask what we’re planning. Ask where we are. Ask us about our broken hearts. Ask a question and then shut up and listen.
It’s impossible to know what someone will need and when they will need it so this is by no means a how to guide. Suggestions is all I can give. From my own experience and observations made.
Being there may not be an option for you. If you can’t handle it please know, you are perfect and it’s okay. We may initially get all butthurt, just remember we care deeply for you and we will remember that eventually.
I in no way intend to upset any of my friends for doing or not doing any of these things, please know this. Remember, I’ve done and said absolutely nothing. I’ve probably offered too much listening ears at times too.
Also, I am not looking for pity. Or for more people to invite me to things. Or for meals (although I do love to eat). I simply want to help. You see, the other day (and many other days) I found myself wondering why people weren’t asking me about my grief, and why I was all alone and people weren’t inviting me to do things and go places (not true for any of it, BTW)… Then I thought — They don’t know. What to ask, say, do…. They don’t know what I want or need. They simply don’t know. AND it isn’t their fault, or anyone’s.
I hope I was able to help a few of you feel more comfortable in stepping up and creating space for someone. If you don’t want to or aren’t ready, do NOT feel bad. There will come a day when you are. You don’t have to help everyone.
If you are deep in grief, accept help. Remember to be gentle and patient with them. They are going out on a shaky limb. They are getting uncomfortable in an effort to help you be more comfortable. If you feel yourself getting short with someone, take a step back and ask yourself “What would you have done or said before you had your grief” (
Finally, if you feel moved/called to step up for a person in your life, it’s never too late because guess what? Grief doesn’t go away.
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