I never thought much about grief before. If I’m being honest with myself, and you, I probably tried not to think about it at all. It hurts, you know? I also didn’t have grief that was SO close before. I mean, I’ve lost people I love and care deeply about, and I felt really sad and I’ve had days where it just hits me, but this grief is… Through my eyes, this grief is different. Intense. Messy.
Grief can be so ugly.
It brings out fear and guilt… So much guilt. Some of it deserved, but most of it an internal battle with what might have been. What you should have done while you still had the time. Time you’ll never get back.
You question your actions and what’s truly important in this one life we’re given. Waves of pure sadness come on without notice saying “Haha. You only thought you would make it through this day without me”.
Then there’s anger. Anger at the world, at God, at people. Guilt for feeling angry.
Sad for the plans and events that won’t be realized.
Disbelief that this is your life. Anger that you didn’t have a say. Or did you… there’s that guilt again.
A vicious cycle of all emotions coming on at once only to subside in the same way and then you are left feeling empty.
You pray for just one day of peace and joy. One day where sadness doesn’t creep up. Say hello to guilt again for not wanting to feel sad anymore…
I could go on, but you probably get the point.
There’s another side to grief though and while I’d love to say I let it win all the time, the truth is I don’t.
For all the times that I do…
Grief is the most beautiful experience on this earth. It changes you from the inside out.
Once grief holds you, you’ll never be the same. This is good. This is the greatest event to ever hold you. It wraps it’s big ol’ arms around you, scoops you up, and tells you to hang on for dear life.
So you do.
There is no “letting go”.
There is no “moving on”.
Grief holds you forever.
You let it.
It carries you forward in life. With every new adventure grief is there. Every battle you fight. All the best times. Grief is there. It doesn’t let you down.
It shapes the person you become.
It opens your mind to a deeper understanding.
Your heart to a greater love.
Experiences carry more meaning and emotions are at their highest. It provides the opportunity to be opened to feeling more. More love, joy, desire, and peace than you have ever felt before.
Some days I don’t want my grief.
Every day I want my person back.
But it’s there and it isn’t going anywhere. I don’t want it to.
It’s my comfort. It keeps me sane. It keeps me bitter-less, hopeful.
It allows me to open my heart to the deepest of loves.
To remember every memory. Sometimes memories that I never thought mattered.
It holds a space for me.
Grief is beautiful.
And it sucks.
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